Say it with us: There’s no shame in watching “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.” We promise. Consider this a safe space for your guilty pleasure.
Rather than breaking down each scene with hot take, The Loop is looking at it from a his/her, point/counterpoint perspective of big-time Bachelorette Keely Levins and Steve Hennessey.
His Take, SH: I still don’t know how I feel about this season. Rachel’s is nice, and she seems incredibly smart — I’m just not drawn in yet.
Her Take, KL: Well, the preview for this week just showed a girlfriend arriving to tell Rachel she’s still dating one of the guys. Cannot wait. [More on that later . . .]
First group date, we have two guests: Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis!
Him: Not really sure why Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis would agree to come on — they must have something they want to plug. I will say, I’m not hating a little Mila Kunis sighting. One of my high-school crushes for sure.
Her: Just high school? Hennessey c’mon. She’s a lifetime crush for you. The Kutcher-Kunis cameo is fine by me. They’re adorable. Maybe they can teach the cast a thing or two about a successful relationship.
Him: Ha, don’t pretend like you didn’t have an Ashton Kutcher poster on your wall in college.
Her: I would’ve been proud to have had one.
First group date? The “Ideal Husband” Challenge.
KL: I love how these dates go from zero to 100. You learn someone’s name, and then figure out if they’d be a good husband.
Him: Cleaning a fake baby’s diaper? Clearing hair out of the sink? This challenge is making me cringe . . . I’m out on this. Hope this doesn’t say anything about my husband potential.
Her: Well at least I don’t think you’d drown the baby like Waboom did. Or spike the baby like a football.
Rachel complains about every guy on the first group date not piquing her interest. Sounds like Ashton Kutcher was right.
Him: Every guy in that first group date is getting friend-zoned.
Her: Look at her body language. She’s completely shut down. I feel like she can’t stand these guys. And I can’t say I blame her. Yawn-fest.
Oh, except for Dean. Looks like she likes him.
Him: Loveeeee myself an awkward hug. Thanks for that, Dean. Makes me feel better about every (thousand) time I messed up with a girl. But then he saves it all by saying he’d walk her to the car — smooth move. Then some good game followed by a not-to-aggressive kiss. Looks like Rachel’s all-in. Ding, ding ding — we have our leader in the clubhouse!
Her: Finally someone gave that a girl a smooch! I like Dean. He seems like such a sweetheart. Hilarious amount of lipstick on him after that kiss, though.
Him: He’s standing out in a room full of squids. You gotta take advantage of scoring opportunities.
Rachel chooses Peter for the first one-on-one date. And she brings her dog who has a cast on because who doesn’t love dogs.
Her: Yes Copper the dog! I’d bring him on every date if I were Rachel.
Him: This is like Coachella for dogs. ABC knows how to keep us all interested. Savvy.
Her: Good for Peter, opening up about going to a therapist. I feel like more people should be more open about that kind of stuff. Also, he has great facial hair.
Him: Jealous of that facial hair. And jealous because I feel like Rachel made the first move on that kiss. Every guy’s dream.
Her: I feel like she did that because she’s been waiting for every guy to make the first move and it hasn’t happened. Good for her. But these guys need to show more initiative!
Rachel’s next group date is on the basketball court. And she brings out a special guest: Kareem Abdul-Jabaar!
Him: This might be the upset of the century having Kareem Abdul-Jabaar on The Bachelorette. Plot twist: My man’s about to scoop up Rachel — these guys are done.
Her: “This isn’t about hoops, this is about character.” Didn’t think the most poetic line of the season would come from Kareem Abdul-Jabaar.
The star of the basketball segment is DeMario. Until his ex-girlfriend shows up to tell Rachel that they were together up until a week before filming started. Whoops!
Her: DeMario you shady, shady dude. Girlfriend at home? Get him outta here.
Him: That’s one of the all-time worst attempts at a lie. What an amazing reaction — you busted my dude!
Her: “Who’s this?” What a line!
And this ex-girlfriend, Lexi, threatens to show Rachel a bunch of text messages from DeMario. And it’s not good.
Him: His reactions just turned from “Who is this girl? to “Oh, wait, those apartment keys?” What a swing. Smell ya later, DeMario.
Her: That was such a garbage move by him. Rachel handled that like a pro. Team Rachel. No bullsh*t, zero tolerance for questionable dudes. Go get ’em Rachel.
Oh snap! DeMario shows up to the house asking to talk to Rachel.
Him: Anddd the episode ends with a cliff-hanger. ABC doing what ABC does best: Keeps us coming back for more.
Her: They’re milking this DeMario drama for all it’s worth. I’d like to think Rachel’s better than this.
Him: She is, but one of these guys might knock him out. Now I’m pumped for next week.